Twice under the sun

goodbye my friend, it's hard to die
when all the birds are singing in the sky
and all the flowers are everywhere
pretty girls are everywhere
"Think of me and i'll be there."

goodbye, papa, please pray for me
i was the black sheep of the family
"I don't know all these words
I have bought three turds
With my BB-gun I would kill birds"

we had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun
but the hills that we climbed
were just seasons out of time

All our lives, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun
But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach.

goodbye, michelle, my little one
"I was the apple of the shining sun.
And I have loved you every week
All my tears are salty
I think that now I will start to leave"


We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun
But the hills that we climbed
Were just seasons out of time

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun
But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach.

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun
But the hills that we climbed
Were just seasons out of time

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun
But the stars that we reached where just starfish on the beach.

Oh life. I am tired of you. What is there to live for? I keep wondering. On fancy days, I see a future filled with some sort of happiness or the other. Sometimes I see myself in a house with a pool and staring out at the peaceful calm of the suburbs. Sometimes its waking up in the morning and then lazilly making my way to the dining table to cornflakes and whatever it is that shahan has made. And then there are those dreams, I am working at n office and after that ends, I take out my car (something sleek) from the garage and glide off (I drive well) to pick up Shahan from his fancy campus like workplace. Sometimes I wonder if they will ever come true. I cant of course be sure, but some days I go to bed thinking about these pleasant dreams where life is moving forward at a pace I like in a manner I enjoy and I can't imagine why there should be sadness.

Of course, none of these dreams have encountered my slumber in the past so many days. I don't know whats wrong, apart from the usual beliefs of, it is stress, it is worry, it is whatever. These days, its just been nightmares. You know the other day I found myself in my bed staring at the ceiling till it was at least 4. I was thinking of course, the ceilings dont speak. I was thinking where should I be when there is an earthquake. I found myself in my room squeezing everyone under the table or the bed and then realizing, if the building crashed, we would die regardless of where we are. and then I was thinking, what the hell at this point I can imagine where I am, so i thought of myself at brac, where the buildings appear to be more stable and Shahan would be around and I imagined us running downstairs and the cars streaming by as the buildings fell upon us. And then I thought, screw dhaka, maybe I could be at my village home where somewhere in the vicinity there is an open space, an open field and we were all there, everyone from home and shahan and just as I was settling myself into the situation, I realized there was no way that would happen and I was back in my room staring at the ceiling contemplating the many different ways lives would end. Why god? Why do this to us?

I know you probabl y heard that I feel god up there is inherently unfair. I suppose based on my knowledge, it sounds like a valid logic at least at some points. But I feel scared to put it on paper, because I can almost see a lightning strike out my life, or my luck both of which are deplorable situations to be in. I dont want to die. I really dont. I feel like I would face god and then rrealize what have I done in life except to cause trouble? What was my aim in life and I would balk under the realization of having done nothing and I would forever be stuck in one of my nightmares.
Oh, there was this other nightmare. we were on a trip to sylhet or someplace and we were packed inside the car. It was a car, some strange driver, I remember dad was talking to his friend on the front seat and I was fiddling with my bag out of fright. There was a bridge ahead. I had no idea I was in a dream. And just as I was about to tell the driver to goddamn slowdown, the car while taking a turn on the really high curvy bridge skidded off and I saw myself stuck inside the car, staring as the bridge passed from vision and waiting for the splash of water, knowing full well I didnt know how to swim. And then we were sunk and somehow I knew dad had managed out and I knew everything was gone because of course I didnt know how to swim and who would dad save? Me or my younger siblings? How do you choose things like that? I figured as much, it wouldnt be me and then I woke up. And I thought oh my cell phone is all wet. I was up at this point, up form that nightmare, but not from sleep and I was fretting about my cell phone that was wet and we were in this garage, with our car turned over. Dont ask me why I would think that.

I am feeling a little better I suppose. It felt good to take this off my head. Maybe tonight I wouldnt have the same nightmares, though i cant foresee anything pleasant coming from that direction.

Oh yea, I am feeling lonely. I remember earlier I used to console myself saying I have my notepad and my mp3 player, what more do I need from life and I would try to write my worries away and listen to some sad song or the other (mostly pink floyd, they are good in times of sadness). And now I cant do that, because You know my brain wont listen. I feel sad and I think where the hell is shahan and why cant he get off his highself and fix things for me although I know its not always fair. I suppose I have been feeling like this for way too long for him to explain the same points again and again, and I was feeling better last time he did (this afternoon). Of course things arent hte same now. I do feel hopeless and solitary and useless and undervalued (and sometimes even, why should I be valued - bad thought train). I dont know what to think right now. I would feel better when my really ridiculous thesis is done
.
It seems though that the more I try to finish or want to finish it, the more I get upset. I need to finish it but so many emotional turmoils spring up everytime I try working on it x(

Cant you solve my life's problems? Can't you give me 2 visas, 2 great jobs, 1 big house, 1 nice car, 2 tickets, a closeby flight date and whisk us off to Europe or US whichever suits your fancy?

So many hurdles in life. I wish they were countable. I wish it wasnt everything in life and more that you cant imagine many hurdles. Sseriously, why dont you something about it? Please do.